I am suicidal, and it’s not something I can quickly get rid of all of a sudden. Though I am safe and not harming myself as of the moment, I’m sure I’ll get to that point eventually. In fact, I can’t remember a time that I wasn’t having suicidal thoughts because I think about doing it almost every day. It’s a bit scary and exciting at the same time. I know I can have the best day of my life, but once that happiness is over, suicidal thoughts start to linger.
I Think I Hate My Life
I wake up most mornings thinking I would be better off dead. I feel that my friends and family would be better off without me. I think about things that make me want to leave the world. It’s a different kind of feeling because I know I wasn’t supposed to feel this way, but I couldn’t help it. It’s like an actual itch that I can’t scratch. It’s as if there’s a dark cloud of anxiety and depression that shrouds all over me. Again, I couldn’t do anything about it.
“In neurotic depression, the conflict is experienced as internal. You look in the mirror and think you’re a slob, fat or pimply or balding. You say something incorrect in class and think how stupid you are. You move through life as if you are a short-tempered nanny with an ugly or annoying baby. Your depressive lens for interpreting the reactions of other people makes you want them to agree with you that the baby is an intolerable burden,” writes Michael Karson Ph.D., J.D.
People Don’t Understand
“Without experiencing that others know us, or are able to, we’re left feeling alone — at times, despairingly so,” writes Leon F Seltzer Ph.D.
People may tell me that they know how I feel. But the truth is, they don’t. I’m drowning with unwanted emotions, and I fell like there’s no air to breathe. I no longer have that energy to come down from that emotional crisis. I know this feeling is not my reality, and I am sure I have things to live for, but it seems not enough. I know that people around me love me so much, and those who don’t like me don’t matter, but who cares? People often say that things might get better, but how? When?
Exactly Where I Am Right Now
A sad and psychologically disturbed person like me lives in dark places and gray areas. It isn’t just one day that I perfectly know when to decide to end it. It feels like years of torment already, even on good days. The feeling I have right now creates something that makes me want to hate everyone else in this world. It makes me regret that I’m alive. It’s not like I’m enjoying my situation, I sincerely swear I would want this mental and emotional turmoil to disappear. But as of now, I just can’t.
For me, every day is a hard journey to get stronger and happier. Though I know those are not impossible to attain, it still doesn’t make any sense to me. I can’t think of anything right now because I feel like the only way to stop me from having suicidal thoughts is to get some sleep. But then again, I know I have to wake up and endure this pain. I am lonely, hopeless, anxious, depress, and alone.
So why do I want to die? Well, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I am just tired and fed up with my life. Or maybe, just maybe, I don’t deserve to live at all. Whatever it is, I know one thing is for sure, I’m not okay, and I need help.
“It is important that you address the cause or causes of your suicidal thoughts in as far as possible, for example, a mental disorder such as depression or alcohol dependence, a difficult life situation, or painful memories,” writes Neel Burton M.D.