I am a risk, and I can’t quickly get rid of my inner struggle suddenly. I am safe and not feeling suicidal at the moment.
There are people suffering from suicide risk and mental disorders. However, I’m sure I’ll get rid of my thoughts of ending my life eventually. In fact, I can’t remember a time that I wasn’t mentally disturbed because I think about ending my life almost every day. Such mental thoughts can be a bit scary and exciting at the same time. I know I can have the best day of my life, but once that happiness is over, thinking of death starts to linger mentally.
I wake up most mornings internally discussing I would self-harm and be better off dead. It’s a different kind of feeling because I know I wasn’t supposed to feel suicidal, but I couldn’t help the mental turmoil and self-harming thoughts. It’s like an actual mental itch that I can’t scratch. It’s as if there’s a dark cloud of self-harming thoughts that shrouds all over me. Again, I couldn’t mend my suicidal thoughts.
“In neurotic depression, the conflict is experienced as internal. You look in the mirror and think you’re a slob, fat or pimply or balding. You say something incorrect in class and think how stupid you are. You move through life as if you are a short-tempered nanny with an ugly or annoying baby. Your depressive lens for interpreting the reactions of other people makes you want them to agree with you that the baby is an intolerable burden,” writes Michael Karson Ph.D., J.D.
“Without experiencing that others know us, or are able to, we are left feeling alone — at times, despairingly so,” writes Leon F Seltzer Ph.D.
People may tell me that they know how I am mentally and emotionally. But the truth is, they don’t. I’m drowning with unwanted dark suicidal emotions, and I feel like there’s no air to breathe. I no longer have that psych energy to come down from my self-harming thoughts and tendencies. I know this feeling is not my reality, and I am sure I have things to live for, but it seems not enough to end my life before it’s time. I know that people around me love me so much, and those who are displeased with me don’t matter, but who cares? People often say that things might get better despite my suicidal risk and mental disorders but how? When?
Suicidal Risk And Mental Disorder: Exactly Where I Am Right Now
A suicidal and mentally disturbed person like me lives in dark places and suicidal risk areas.
It isn’t just one day that I perfectly know when to decide to end it. It feels like years of suicide risk and mental disorders already, even on good days. This feeling I have right now creates something that makes me want to hate everyone else in this world. It makes me a suicidal risk. It’s not like I’m enjoying my situation, I sincerely swear I would want these suicide risk and mental disorders to disappear. But as of now, I just can’t.
For me, every day is a hard journey to get stronger and happier with this suicidal risk and mental disorder. Though I know those are not impossible to attain with my suicide risk and mental disorder, it still doesn’t make any sense to me. I can’t think of anything right now because I feel like the only way to stop me from being a suicidal risk is to get some sleep. But then again, I know I have to wake up and endure this mental pain of thinking about self-harming. I am lonely, hopeless, anxious, depressed, and suicidal.
So why do I want to commit suicide? Well, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I am just tired and fed up with my life.
Or maybe, just maybe, I don’t deserve to live at all.
Whatever it is, I know one thing is for sure, I’m not mentally okay, and I need mental and suicidal help for my psychological condition and self-harming tendencies.
“It is important that you address the cause or causes of your suicidal thoughts in as far as possible, for example, a mental disorder such as depression or alcohol dependence, a difficult life situation, or painful memories,” writes Neel Burton M.D.